The Care and Keeping of Me

It's time to clean up my act. There was a time, not too long ago, when I was healthy, feeling good in my body, and was actively engaged in my own personal growth. In the past few years, however, I have let things slide. I've gotten busy and there never seems to be enough time to get to the yoga studio or cook a healthy meal. I've let the "I'm too busy" excuse get in the way of taking care of myself.

Recently, as you have read here on the blog, I have begun the process of reinhabitting my body by kickin' it with Robin and the Bridal Boot Camp crew. Working hard on becoming fit again also brings into focus how much extra food I put in my mouth. Sure, I'm eating for two still, but even though I am expending extra calories to nurse Ellie, I cannot continue to eat whatever I want, whenever I want and expect to reach the level of fitness I desire. Therefore, I am eating mindfully. I am definitively NOT dieting. I am, rather, being very conscious of the quality and quantity of the foods I eat and making better choices.

Making these changes is hard. I am surrounded constantly by peer pressure to eat things that are not good for me. Whether it's the barage of advertisements on the television for all manner of tasty treats or a well-meaning friend bringing me sweets at the shop, I feel coerced into eating poorly. Our culture looks upon food as an expression of love, as symbols of status, as comfort for a hard day. Food is part of how we create community. When someone offers me food and I turn it down, I feel as though I'm being ungrateful.

As a child, Nana soothed the rough patches with toast laden with homemade jam, cookies, cake. My grandma and grandpa offered Twinkies and treats from the Chinese grocery store. My mom took me to McDonald's. Somewhere along the line food became synonymous with love. Eating those foods now, I feel connected to those people, to those good times and loving memories. A part of me feels like rejecting those foods is a rejection of those I love.

So how do I escape from this tyrrany of food? I think I need to start journaling my food intake. Not to count calories, but to bring my attention to what I eat. We've asked folks not to bring food to share to the shop. I began to notice that I was eating a lot of extra snacks at the shop because people bring in food to share and it stays there. They go home and then there's more food staring me in the face. Throwing it out seems wasteful. In addition, we have so many folks with food allergies and other food issues who have voiced support of this plan. When you're hypoglycemic or diabetic and you're constantly having to turn down offers of food, it can trigger feelings of deprivation. I also want Ellie to learn good eating habits. And, frankly, having unattended food around is a health hazard to Ellie and the other little ones who frequent the shop.

The changes may be subtle at first, but I hope that this will build the foundation for living better throughout the rest of my life.

Comments

[Noelle]

I am so glad you are taking care of yourself! You are a beautiful woman. I know what it feels like (but nowhere near to the level you do) to give to everyone but yourself. I have exact same issue at work, but it's the mini candy bars (bags and bags of it, and requests for no more have gone unheeded) that get me. So I must exert self-control, yowza. Hugs and kisses (not the chocolate ones, regular ones)!

[AlisonH]

The chocolate mousse cake was good while it lasted, and I hereby promise to be good now.

[Romi]

I *so* agree with you! Food is love and comfort. I have had a particularly difficult time over the past year and a half or so keeping it out of my mouth! And I am exactly where you are right now. Except that I totally *am* dieting! :D

[Kris]

Good luck! I'm trying to do the same, and its frustrating with all of the food at work.

[claudia]

Its awesome to see when friends focus on their health. Way to go!

[Jamie]

Andan reminded me that I usually post my comments to your blog as comments to your blog, not comments to your LJ feed. Duh. So, here is what I posted to your LJ feed this morning around 02:11:

I told (LJ user)kiyowaramiyuki this, and I'll tell you: I am very proud of you for this.

It's a hard step. Many of us have strong associations in the "food as love" area, often including problems of being raised to strongly feel like we are being rude or mean in some way when we turn down offered food/love.

As someone who's been turning down pretty much *all* offered snacks, sweets, and other treats for over half a year now, I can tell you something you already know: Our friends and loved ones aren't at all offended or upset when we tell them no thanks to their offers of such food. 'Cause, you know, they're our friends, and love ones. :)

Also, journaling your food is brilliant! I wish I'd thought of that a few years ago. I, too, have been slowing changing my food choices and amounts without actually dieting. Journaling would have probably helped a ton.

[Mari]

You'se my hero!

As soon as I kick this jetlag I'm 100% with you.

And YES, I love fitday.

[Sylvia]

This is a topic very familiar to our household, what with dietary restrictions and food allergies in abundance. There are a couple of easy ways to go about effecting a change, from a simple diary and decreasing portion size to eliminating all grains or substituting (for instance) raw almonds and an apple for other snacks.

I think pantry organization really does help -- we have a non-gluten cupboard so DD never even has to see the things she cannot have.

Our cookie jar has, on purpose, a loud lid that can be heard throughout the house. Even when I'm home alone the shame factor is effective.

My mom always has easily accessible healthy snacks, slender carrot sticks right in front in the frig, a bag of apple slices, another bag of sliced cheese... I wash huge batches of lettuce twice a week so salads are quick to assemble and thus not procrastinated. I have a nice assortment of lightweight insulated lunch boxes and plastic containers so a portable meal is easy to fix and convey.

It's a balancing act, but each step of the way you're going to feel better and better! If you have any questions about nutrition, recipes, etc., I'm around, I have a lovely kitchen, and the frig is full of good things from Sunday's farmer's market. Good luck!

[Beth]

I now feel double guilty for the candy bars Silpa brought in to the shop (and she's diabetic!). Of course I've brought pastries in myself.. such bad influences we are.

The good news is that with our best friend recently starting weight watchers Silpa has taken an interest in eating healthier - I hope it sticks :)

So, is all food banned from the shop or would a platter of carrot and celery sticks be welcome?

[Kathy in San Jose]

I also know that I need to change my eating habits, also for health reasons, so I appreciate the reminder that at the work place there's wonderful stuff that isn't necessarily the best for me. (Drat those doughnuts on Fridays...) If we all support each other, we'll all feel better in the long run!

[Abigail]

I could have written 95% of this post, Nathania! I am so in a similar place. One of my solutions was to get a bike and start biking the kids places instead of sitting in the car.

Good luck with your resolve!

[jorn]

I love the idea of a food diary; I have recommended it to many as it helped me a great deal. In that diary, also track other "health" issues. See if eating something begins to show a possible correlation to a particular response, be it mental or physical. (You might find something amazing.)

I was visited by some good friends this weekend, and we got into a conversation about food/health/etc. (Yeah, it happens a lot around me. :P )

Bill had quit smoking after many years, and my congratulations segued the conversation to a bit of a theory I've had of late. It's nothing new, for sure, but we found that he used a similar technique in his smoking cessation that I used to stay away from anything containing wheat.*

When I walk through the mall, and see the bagels, windows of doughnuts and other fast food, I'm no longer in a struggle with temptation. My mind has "flipped" in a sense and I catch myself thinking,

"People actually EAT that shit?!"

Wave a custard-filled fresh pastry under my nose and I'll be just fine. No thanks. Sure, there may be a second or two of the "mmm, that does sound nummy" in my head, but I quickly think about all that crud coursing through my veins, how sick I'll be in two days, and how much I don't like looking into the mirror and thinking "Hey there, fat fuck."

So, don't applaud the strength that it took for me to not even nip a bite of that chocolate cake. While I'm flattered, thank you, it wasn't all that much effort. Long ago, I used some strength to transform my mind. Those foods are not long-lost friends that I miss; they are my enemies.

Bill, bless his soul, found himself in the same place with cigarettes.

So, neither pity me the life of deprivation I must lead. I'm not deprived. It feels good to no longer always feel bad. Sure, I miss the bun on a hamburger and sure wouldn't mind a slice of your pizza. It's just not worth it in the end. Bill likes having energy, not coughing all the time, and hopefully not forcing his kids to watch their father die way too early like he did.

Like you said, food is everywhere. It's yummy. It makes us happy. It's part of our lives. This isn't easy. But we have to decide what's important. From there, figure out what works.

(*My actions/diet may seem a bit extreme or tin-foil-hat at first, but I've dealt with a litany of food and health issues that are not relevant to a reply in Nathania's blog. Let's just say I'm "much better now." :) )

[Jodi]

positive thoughts and support to you from me. my husband and I have been tracking our food, weight, and activities in Fitday (fitday DOT com) for a couple months now. Mari uses it also. it's pretty eye-opening stuff. :hugs:

[Nita]

Word! I'm eating oatmeal sans butter as we speak. I read that cravings for food are not unlike cravings for cigarettes. If you wait for 5 minutes during a craving, and put your hands/mind to something else, the crave goes away. That helped me quit the sticks. I'm here with the support if you needs me.